God and my angels have always been there to pull me out of bad situations. I have A Major Depressive Disorder and this is the third time since 2003 that I was hospitalized because of suicidal thoughts and actions. I also suffer from OCD, am Bipolar, and have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have many physical challenges and have become a package deal for my doctors. My physical affects my emotional and my emotional affects my physical. It’s a vicious cycle.
August 7 2014 was a horrible day for me, but I know God and my angels were there to help. My husband, Tony, and I were fighting and I had been severely physically sick for several weeks. Being run down made me overreact when it came to telling Tony I was upset with him. I said that I am only a burden and can’t stand living in the bathroom most of my days. I had most of my colon removed in 2012 and now have the runs constantly, because what is left doesn’t work well. I tried taking a handful of pills but my husband stopped me and restrained me for about an hour while we fought and I gave him reasons why I shouldn’t be living any more. I was hysterical and couldn’t control myself. I finally said he eventually has to go to the bathroom and when he does I will take the pills. He then dialed 911. I told him I hated him and was upset because he made the call.
Once the police officer, God’s angel, arrived I started to calm down because I knew I was going to get the help I needed to start feeling better again. He was very nice and calmed me down enough to get me to go to the hospital. I was in the front seat of his patrol car and he explained that he had to handcuff me. He put the cuffs on my hands in front of me. Another officer came along and made me get out of the car. He said put one hand behind my back. Then he said put the other one behind and he cuffed me that way. He wasn’t as understanding as the first officer.
When we arrived at the hospital I needed a wheel chair because I had been dizzy due to my physical illness. I said we have to get inside really fast because I was going to have the runs. When I have to go I have to get there fast. I got assistance right away and then sat in a holding area with other police officers and another incoming patient. I was brought into the CPEP unit and stayed there over night. I was seen by a psychiatrist the next morning and admitted that night to the psychiatric floor.
While in the hospital my medications were changed and I couldn’t believe they stopped 2 antidepressants cold turkey. Another one they decreased by half. I asked if that was wise and if I would get any withdrawal symptoms and they said it was ok. It is now 4 weeks later and I am feeling the effects. I am very depressed and have been fighting with Tony again. I have been suicidal since Saturday and today (Thursday) discussed it with my therapist. She will speak with the woman that will make the medicine changes and tell her I need a change ASAP.
Tony is out of work and since he is 69 it has been hard to find a job that requires his years of experience. He worries about needing health insurance for me and can only apply for positions that offer the insurance. I applied for disability income and have been turned down. I am in the process of an appeal but it has already been a year so it adds to my frustrations, stress and depression.
I have always known that I should “put the oxygen mask on me first” and take care of me before anyone else, but I am a giver and love to help others. It is hard for me to recognize this but it has finally proven that I have to push myself to say no to others and yes to myself. My therapist told me today all I have to do is take care of me and get healthy. Then everything else will fall into place.
I know with God’s help I am capable of achieving happiness because I have done it so many times before. God is always there for me and I know he has a plan for me. I just have to be patient and wait for his guidance.